Who Doesn’t Have A Few

I believe it was my mother who once told me I should live life so that I had no major regrets.  I have tried to follow that advice.  And I have a quite a few minor ones, such as not applying to the University of Illinois, and not getting my degree sooner, so I could get a decent job overseas.  There are a few girls I wish I had asked to the dances back in my high school days, or asked for a date in my college days.  I regret things didn’t work out between Cheri and I.  But all of these are minor happenings and they don’t haunt me.

The ones that haunt me are soul crushing.  Luckily I only have two.  Leaving my son and giving him up for adoption left me hating myself for years.  Eventually I worked to live a life that would make me happy to share with him, if I ever got the chance.  And the other regret is not returning to China to be with Fanbin.  I miss her everyday.  The way she smiles, or pretends to be made at me and the fierce determination she lives life, I miss that and more.  I wish I was a brave as her.

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The Fourth

I use to live under a dark vision, always convinced I would be dead soon.  Maybe it is the fatalistic Irish side of me which drove this idea.  Or perhaps it was massive soul crushing black hole of despair and depression I was suspended in for so long.  For what ever reason, I never took my time to plan where I thought I would be or what my life would look like at any time in the future, beyond maybe a year-2 years at the most.  Eventually, the dark fell away, as if I were making my way, from the depths of the earth, towards an opening into the world.  It felt good to be free of those dark, disquieting thoughts.  I felt lighter; the air was less oppressive.  I was moving in a new way.

It was no longer a task, or effort to go after a goal beyond obtaining food and shelter.  At first, my goals consisted of graduating college, travel through Europe and then Asia, and eventually living overseas.

Yet I never projected into the future.  The closest I ever came to this is when I dreamed of joining the Senior PGA Tour, after turning 50.  But I haven’t shot a round in at least 5 years, in reality it is closer to 10 years.

I did try to find some free time while here in my hometown to get out to the fairways.  However my plan to open a restaurant and thereby have time to hit the greens didn’t materialize.  I shopped until 4 or 5 everyday for a year, going in to work at 8 or 9, while scrapping up money to pay the bills.  So that by 5 or 6 everyday I was ready for a nap.  I had no energy beyond building the foundation for the restaurant’s future.  My business partner has just bought me out in the last week, so I have more free time to plan for the future.  It is nice to have some personal time, again.

As for where I imagine myself to be in 10 years all I can picture is somewhere warm.  I would be over 50 and that is proving to be a daunting idea to embrace. 50. Years. Old.  I keep thinking that is age of my parents, not me.  It is staggering to think of this.  I find that I will have to think more on this, once I get through the idea of being 50.


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